“By the 3rd date” – Dating plan for men

So if you’ve read my earlier post “How to date (and dance) in 2010,  you might be wondering HOW it works….

Here’s the game plan for men – “By the 3rd Date” (women listen up – because this is what the guys will be doing and why)

Step 1: Be receptive to what God is bringing into your life -most likely there is a lesson in it. Things in life happen for a reason. God puts people into our lives for a reason, so be open to what it is He is trying to do. There might be a lesson for us, or their might be a lesson for the woman, or both.

Perhaps there’s a woman in your life who has caught your attention, but isn’t exactly what you imagined when you thought of who you would date. Consider asking her out on a date.

Look for who you are inspired by…

or who you find alluring…

or who you find to be kind…

or who you find to be generous…

who you find is thoughtful of others…

who you find to be patient…

someone who is trustworthy…

someone who is gentle…

or even perhaps has amazing cooking/baking skills. 🙂

Step 2: Ask a girl out on a date. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?  Yep – that’s all you have to do, ask.

Right now you might be saying, “Uh – yeah, but HOW? How do I know if she likes me? How do I know she will say, “yes”? ”

Here is the BIG SECRET: You’ll know that she’ll say yes, when she says yes, and she’ll only say yes, AFTER you ask.  So ask.  🙂

This is your chance – your chance to be a leader.  It’s your chance to see something admirable in someone, to feel inspired, and to follow that inspiration with action.

Now you might be saying to yourself: “yeah, but what if she says no?”

She might.  But you will never get a chance of her saying, “yes”, unless you ask, so it’s time to muster up some courage and ask her out for coffee. Don’t start with dinner – that’s a little too intensive.  Coffee, tea, or a walk in the park, let her know that you are interested in getting to know her a little more.  It also gives her time to get used to the idea of going out on a date with you. If she knows that the date isn’t going to last for 3 hours then she’s more likely to say, “yes”.

It’s similar on the dance floor.  If a woman gets the sense that you are only asking her to dance for the next song which will only last about 3  1/2 minutes long, she’s much more inclined to say, “yes”, than if she gets the impression that you want to dance with her all night.

First dates are notoriously horrendous, so plan on having an awkward coffee date and then wait for the second date where both people wont be as nervous.

WARNING: in this modern age, you might find that women are doing the asking out.  If a woman asks you out, say, “no”, even if , ESPECIALLY if, you really like her. The dating arena is where you get to improve your manliness skills.  It gives you the chance to be courageous and daring, all for the simple reason that you wants to spend time with a woman. Believe me, it will make all the girls swoon. It also gives you the chance to learn how to discern what you want and how to take action because of it.

If a girl asks you out say, “Oh! what a compliment – that’s nice of you.  Actually, I’m going to decline because I prefer to pay women the compliment of asking them out.”  If and only if, you are already interested in her, say: “But I would like your number so that I can give you a call sometime this week.”  DO NOT ASK FOR HER NUMBER UNLESS YOU INTEND TO ASK HER OUT FOR A DATE.

DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR CARD IN THE HOPES THAT SHE WILL RETURN THE FAVOR BY GIVING YOU HER CARD. You should be doing the asking out on the date, so it’s your job to ask for her number and follow it up with a call. Don’t say, “call me sometime.”  It sounds great – and oh so smooth, but it’s a disaster.  It just doesn’t work.  It leaves you wondering when she is going to call and wondering if she’s really interested AND it leaves her wondering IF she should call you and then wondering what the conversation would be about/like.

Don’t ask her out in front of a crowd or in front of friends. It’s too much pressure for her and too embarrassing for you if she says no.  If she’s in a crowd, quietly ask her if you could have her number so you could give her a call tomorrow. You need to let her know WHEN you will be calling.

Step 3: Wait for her answer – accepting it gracefully. Hope for her, “yes”, but be prepared for the possible, “no”.  If she says, “No”, reply with, “Oh O.K.  Thank you.”  and drop the issue.  If she says, “yes”, proceed to Step 4.

Step 4:  Plan the date/ work out the details of the date. *** It’s best to have a place and time in mind BEFORE you ask her out.   Even if the plan changes, she will appreciate the fact that you thought about the question in advance.  It says to her, “This isn’t a hypothetical question.  There really IS coffee and I really DO want to spend time with you.” 😛 But if this was a spur of the moment date-asking-opp – like asking for her number, then just be sure to have come up with ideas on where and when before you call her.

WARNING: Going out for drinks is one of those things that sounds like a good idea, but ends up being a mess instead.  If you want a woman who will be flirty with you – totally in to you – and then wont return your phone calls the next day – OR the reverse – gets all clingy and weird, just be sure to take them out for drinks on the first date.

If you like drama, then feel free.  Otherwise, steer clear of alcohol on the first date.

Step 5: Pay for the date. I don’t care if it’s a slice of pizza, coffee, tea, or a steak dinner: PAY FOR THE DATE.  If you can’t afford it, don’t ask her out for a steak dinner,  ask her to go for a walk, or a Mr. Softee Ice-cream cone – or heck, a bottled water.

This will be a struggle for the women, so do this gentlemanly thing for them… especially if they protest.

Here’s why: The dreaded, “going dutch” absolutely kills any chemistry and any romance. It’s the “safe” way to date – which turns out to actually be a disaster. It’s like the Titanic. Big unsinkable ship. Sounds good, but it ends up sinking. Again – not inherently wrong or sinful, it just doesn’t seem to work in the natural order of how a man and a woman were designed to relate to each other.

NEVER EVER quickly pay for a friendly get together with a woman friend of yours so that THEN it will qualify as a date. We women can see right through that.  We want a man who is courageous enough to ask us on a date, not one who does a bait and switch act on us. Ewww.

Step 6: When it’s time to say good bye: Say, “thank you”. DO NOT: kiss her … or anything beyond that. IF YOU TRULY HAD A GREAT TIME, then say, “I had a great time, thank you for allowing me to take you out.  Have a good night”. DO NOT SAY WHAT YOU DO NOT MEAN.

If you feel a moment of awkwardness because it CLEARLY was NOT a great time for either of you, say, “thank you for allowing me to take you out on a date. It was very generous of you. Have a good night.”

Step 7: Give her (and yourself) time to process the date. Don’t ask her out on the 2nd date in person – ask her over the phone. This means you don’t send her emails, text messages or phone messages that night “just to let her know that you had a really great time.”

Wait till at least the following day to ask her out on the 2nd date.

Here’s why: You want to know, is she saying, yes freely? You want her “yes” to be freely given, not because there was an awkward moment of silence or because she felt pressured into it.  Sometimes women are “nice” – they put on a smile – and say, “yeah I had a great time.” when really they are quite the opposite.  This is a BAD habit.  It’s sort of like when people pass you in a store and say, “hey how are you doing?”, but by the time they finish saying it they are out of sight and actually have no intention of hearing your reply.  VERY rehtorical. Enable her yes to mean yes.

Ask her out on the 2nd date over the phone.  This gives her the option of gracefully bowing out of a second date if she thought the first date was a disaster.  It can be longer than the first date – but it doesn’t have to be. Really the 2nd date is to get a better grasp on IF there is chemistry and IF this is the type of person that you would like to hang out with some more.

What if you don’t want to ask the woman out on a 2nd date? As I stated earlier – 1st dates are notoriously horrendous. So – don’t judge the whole woman on how the first date went. It often takes women until the 2nd date to really relax into the idea of being out on a date with someone new.  So try to remain open.

Step 8: Wait for her answer,  accept it gracefully. See step 3.

Step 9: Go out on the 2nd date. Be polite.  Be generous.  Be courteous.  Open the door for her. Pay for the date.  Don’t talk about ex’s.

Step 10: Say good bye and thank you. See step 6 REMEMBER: DO NOT KISS HER.

Step 10: Wait at least 2 full days. Reflect on the experience. On the third day if she hasn’t contacted you, ask her out again. Give yourself some time to reflect on the dates.

If by this time you have zero chemistry with the woman and zero inclination to get to know her any further, then it’s time to bail out.  Preferably over the phone – though if you have primarily been communicating via email that is O.K. too. TEXTING IS NOT APPROPRIATE. It’s cowardly and too brief. Contact them and say, “Thank you very much for allowing me to take you out on those dates. I wanted to let you know that I’m not interested in going on further dates. Thank you so much”

She may respond with, “Oh, ok – thank you. Good bye.” She may also respond with “why?” Your answer should be: because it’s just not the right match. Or there isn’t any chemistry. Some persons are well suited, and I dare to say, designed for each other…. to be complimentary. It’s O.K. to notice that the fit doesn’t work well.

It’s not ok to just fall off the face of the planet. The best idea is to close the chapter so that she’s not left wondering what is going on.  It’s also the best idea for you so that if you accidentally bump into her in your next job interview or the next big social function it wont be so awkward. 😛

(If you need a third date, then repeat the steps relating to the 2nd date.)

(If she is following the “by the 3rd date” plan, then she will contact you to let you know if she is not interested.)


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