Boundaries: Make sure your bounnnndarries aren’t blurrrrrrred.

Are we friends? Are we dating? Are we on a date? Does she know I’m asking her out on a date? All of these questions are answered by making sure that your boundaries aren’t blurred.

“Girls don’t call boys”, my mom used to say.  I thought she was ridiculous. (Love you Mom!) In this day in age it’s hard to tell what sort of behavior is appropriate between the sexes- on and off the dance floor!

Texting, Facebooking, emailing, and mobile phones have provided us with the benefit of being much more connected with others.  They can be wonderful avenues to propagate friendships, but, as I discovered, they can also be huge impediments to having healthy boundaries.

Technology has progressed much faster than our dating traditions.  Dating traditions have been thrown out the window and it’s left both the men and the women in the dating scene wondering what’s going on.

During my (abundantly) numerous years as a single woman looking for a good man, I read many books on dating.  They were either horrendously out of date, expected me to be a “Sex In the City”-modern-gal, or written for 13 year olds.

So I had to learn the hard way: by trial and error, heartache after heartache, and by setting boundaries and then quickly realizing they needed to be revamped.  To save you from (some) of the mess that I had to endure (btw, some of it is impossible to avoid), I thought I’d give you some tips.

Don’t blurrrr your bounnnndaries.

If you are friends, act like friends. Don’t give someone boyfriend/girlfriend privileges if they are not your boyfriend/girlfriend and, this should go with out saying, don’t give someone spousal benefits if they are not your spouse. In other words: “friends with benefits” is lame-o.

Ok but what does that look like in real life? I’m going to go over some of the more obvious ones, because I think it’s just a good idea to reinforce them, and then follow up with the more seemingly trivial-yet pivotal ones at the end.  ****Please try to stay with me.  I know some of you may want to shut your brain off because you think I’m a super-freak, prudish, out of touch gal – but I assure you, I’m not.  🙂

Ok.  Proceed with an open mind:

1.)  Don’t have sex (of any sort) with someone who is not your spouse.

What? not even if you’ve been dating a long time?!?!?!

Nope.

Why not?

Because sex is a gift intended for your spouse.  Sex is a physical renewal of your wedding vows.  So if you haven’t made any wedding vows yet, then don’t be having “the renewal of the vows” (sex) yet either.  (There is a much longer answer to this – so be sure to look at my other and future posts.)

An even shorter answer on why it’s a bad idea to have any sort of sex with someone that is not your spouse is: because it makes things messy and confusing.

OK – now more on making sure you don’t have blurry boundaries:

2.)  Don’t go on long vacations OR spend family holidays with someone unless you are ENGAGED.

What? not even if you’ve been dating a long time?!?!?!

Nope.  (sound familiar? :P)

Why not?

Well, because we gals will immediately start to (subconsciously) attach ourselves to that man as if he is our spouse- even if we just met him a month ago – or heck, even a week ago.  When you are married, you spend time with your spouse and their family. When you are dating, you spend time with your family….even if, ESPECIALLY if your family is inconveniently far away or “not as fun” as the boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s family.

IF you’ve been talking about getting engaged soon, then you meet the family to get a better perspective of who it is that you are considering marrying. Until then, don’t launch yourself into this Amazon River teeming with piranha.

3.) Bring emergency cab money with you on dates…. and, well, all of the time.

This might seem silly to clarify, but I wish it had been said to me, so I’m saying it now: Don’t spend the night at a friend (of the opposite sex)’s house.  Especially if you are “just good friends” and “it’s too late to travel home”. This blurrrrrs the boundary between friendship and spouse.  You spend the night at your spouse’s house or at your family’s house.  BEWARE: Don’t let your standards drop just because you don’t want to spend the extra $$ on the cab.

I fell for this temptation WAY too many times.  Oh sure, I’d go out for dinner, some drinks, spend a decent amount of money and then when it was time to get home, I’d squabble over the $$ I would have to pay for a cab and how long it would take or how dangerous it would be if I took public transportation.   It’s just a bad idea.  It gives the person you are staying with the idea that there is more familiarity- more of a relationship there than there really is. Be sure to not lead anyone on, including yourself.

Sometimes I ended up leading myself on.  I told myself that it was “no big deal.” But then I ended up being “clingy” – because I had allowed myself to behave – at least in one area – like we were more than friends.  I allowed the boundaries to be blurred because subconsciously I was trying to make (a.k.a. manipulating) the friendship to be something more.

As a dancer I traveled the country for dance weekends and even a few competitions along the way.  There were many occasions where I stayed at someone’s house instead of getting a hotel.  What I learned from that experience is that, the dynamic changes when/if you have a companion traveler (of the same sex) or if you are traveling in a group.  There is much less temptation to fall into a blurred boundary situation if you have a third, fourth, or fifth wheel, but be warned it may still be present.

4.) Bestfriend or Boyfriend?

Not sure? yep- it’s tricky. When you are 10 or 12,  it’s fine to have a best friend who is the opposite sex (who btw, should also be about 10 or 12 NOT 20 or 30… ewwww!!!).  Once you hit 13 or 14+, it no longer becomes a good idea to be UBER close friends with someone who is the opposite sex.

Oh it’s totally natural for people of the opposite sex to get along really well, but it’s not a good idea to actively propagate that friendship with your time, texts, emails, Facebook posts, and phone calls.  Why? Because sooner or later someone develops feelings for the other person.  That’s when things get tricky.

So – if you are between the ages of 13 and 93 (just for exaggeration’s sake), it’s best if you actively work on friendships with people who are the same sex as you are.  These are honestly, in my opinion, harder to develop.  Maybe it’s just me, but it was always easier for me to talk to guys than it was to talk to girls. (Maybe it was because I was subconsciously interested in them or vice versa!)  So if you spend your time working on these relationships, you’ll end up with great friends and no confusion at the end.

5.) Is it a date? Just say it!

How do I know if I’m out on a date? How can I let her know that when I’m asking her to go somewhere with me, it’s because I want it to be a date.

The best way to let a gal know that you are asking her out on a date is to use the word “DATE” when you are asking her.  Then there is no confusion.  I know it seems simple – but it works like a charm. (Yes it will seem very awkward at first.)If you are a gal who is being asked out by a guy and aren’t sure if it’s a date or not, just ask him.  Say, “Wow that sounds like fun.  So just to clarify, is this a date?” He should be able to answer you in about 1 word.  🙂

(If his answer is no, then invite a girlfriend along.  He’ll be oh so surprised when he can’t put his mo-jo on because there is a third wheel.  That’s when you think to yourself, “Oh- hmmm.  Thought you said it wasn’t a date?” 😛 )Just think of the dance floor:  when you want to ask someone to dance, do you grab her arm, twirl her around out onto the floor and hope she gets the idea that you’d like to dance?  No.  Of course not.  You use your words and say, “Would you like to dance?”

Gals:  sometimes I’ve come across a guy who hasn’t learned this skill on the dance floor.  He tries to grab hold of my hand and drag me out on the dance floor without even acknowledging that I might not be prepared to dance.  I resist this man-handling and wait for him to ask me.  If he fails to ask me, I clarify it quickly by saying, “Oh did you want to ask me to dance?”  Sounds a little snippy, but I think it’s important to let him know that he can’t just throw me out on the dance floor without my permission and expect me to go along with it.

Likewise, I’m not going to allow him to scramble to pay for my lunch and hope that it counts towards being a date because he couldn’t muster the courage to ask me out.  When I sense the bait and switch about to occur (and yes guys, we DO sense the switch – I guess you can call it one of our feminine-jedi-senses), I clarify the situation with words.  This ensures that my boundaries are not blurred and that both he and I are aware of what is intended.

But what if someone asks you out on a group thing? is that a date?   The short answer is: no.  If it’s part of the first 3 getting to know you dates, then it’s definitely NOT a date.  He may still be very gentlemanly in paying for the group activity, but it’s one on one date that helps you proceed in the dating process (ie determining if there is chemistry.)

6.) Don’t call/text him FIRST: He’s just not that into you.

(Did you see that movie? Painful, but sadly true.)  This goes back to my mom saying that I shouldn’t be calling boys.  Back before the days of mobile phones and answering machines (my folks were slooooowww on getting technology), that left me waiting by the phone for some boy to call.  Now that we have technology at our fingertips we gals are much more tempted to follow our impulse to initiate communication, in general, and specifically with boys that we LIKE!

Ask yourself the question: am I contacting this boy because I hope he will think about me and I hope he will ask me out…

If so……WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The bridge is out! Do not proceed!

If he likes you, HE will call (text, facebook, im, email) you.

Likewise, ask yourself the questions: am I contacting him because I’m afraid that he won’t follow up? that he won’t pursue me? that he will forget about me? that he will be distracted by other girls who DO call? that he will never ask me out?

or the dreaded:

“Oooh I heard he’s having a party – I hope he invites me! Hmmm I wonder if I should call him now?”

STOP.  Be a woman.  Wait for a man who will pursue you.  It’s what you want.  Know what you want and let your actions match that.

Guys: do not pay attention to girls who (are just friends/acquaintances who) pester you with phone calls, texts or emails.  Do NOT REPLY. Stop.  Be a man by going after what you want, not what is convenient at the moment.   Be a leader.  You do the initiating.  Don’t just “be nice” to the friends/acquaintances who are girls who are launching themselves at you like you are a piece of velcro and they are a fuzzy tennis ball. 

Be like a pane of glass.  (Imagine: splat.  sqweak! as she hits the glass and slides down.)  Don’t reinforce bad boundaries by being nice.  That leads me to my last point.

7.) Be honest ….with kindness.

Learn to use short sentences.

Just say, “no.”

Say what you mean.

This is harder than you think! It is kinder to be honest than it is to lead someone on.  This goes for both men and women.

This clip illustrates what I mean when I say that if you aren’t explicitly clear, people will hop on the maybe train.

Woman usually have a harder time with this because we LOVE words.  We talk about something and go around in circles until we arrive at our point. It’s sort of like a little bee flying around a flower and then finally landing.  In general, guys have an easier time being more direct.  For men, it may be harder to accomplish the kindness part.

It will be a challenge for both sexes, but well worth it.

Lastly, I just want to add that this can also work in reverse; Sometimes our boundaries get blurred downward instead of upward. Instead of acting like spouses who have pledged to love the other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, until death, we fall short and act like our spouse is only a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Perhaps we don’t have to love them unconditionally. Perhaps we flirt with other women as if we are still on the dating circuit. Perhaps we still flirt with other men because we think “we have to keep our options open.” (ewww!)

OR perhaps we are acting like a friend or acquaintance (like a man not paying for dates or a woman not allowing him to!) when we should be being more like a boyfriend/girlfriend, initiating and actively receiving the gift of each others company.

That being said, THIS POST IS TOO LONG.  Time to get off the soap box. Thanks for reading. 🙂

Tags: Advice for Men, Advice for Women