Archive for April, 2010

“By the 3rd date” – Dating plan for men

April 29, 2010

So if you’ve read my earlier post “How to date (and dance) in 2010,  you might be wondering HOW it works….

Here’s the game plan for men – “By the 3rd Date” (women listen up – because this is what the guys will be doing and why)

Step 1: Be receptive to what God is bringing into your life -most likely there is a lesson in it. Things in life happen for a reason. God puts people into our lives for a reason, so be open to what it is He is trying to do. There might be a lesson for us, or their might be a lesson for the woman, or both.

Perhaps there’s a woman in your life who has caught your attention, but isn’t exactly what you imagined when you thought of who you would date. Consider asking her out on a date.

Look for who you are inspired by…

or who you find alluring…

or who you find to be kind…

or who you find to be generous…

who you find is thoughtful of others…

who you find to be patient…

someone who is trustworthy…

someone who is gentle…

or even perhaps has amazing cooking/baking skills. 🙂

Step 2: Ask a girl out on a date. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?  Yep – that’s all you have to do, ask.

Right now you might be saying, “Uh – yeah, but HOW? How do I know if she likes me? How do I know she will say, “yes”? ”

Here is the BIG SECRET: You’ll know that she’ll say yes, when she says yes, and she’ll only say yes, AFTER you ask.  So ask.  🙂

This is your chance – your chance to be a leader.  It’s your chance to see something admirable in someone, to feel inspired, and to follow that inspiration with action.

Now you might be saying to yourself: “yeah, but what if she says no?”

She might.  But you will never get a chance of her saying, “yes”, unless you ask, so it’s time to muster up some courage and ask her out for coffee. Don’t start with dinner – that’s a little too intensive.  Coffee, tea, or a walk in the park, let her know that you are interested in getting to know her a little more.  It also gives her time to get used to the idea of going out on a date with you. If she knows that the date isn’t going to last for 3 hours then she’s more likely to say, “yes”.

It’s similar on the dance floor.  If a woman gets the sense that you are only asking her to dance for the next song which will only last about 3  1/2 minutes long, she’s much more inclined to say, “yes”, than if she gets the impression that you want to dance with her all night.

First dates are notoriously horrendous, so plan on having an awkward coffee date and then wait for the second date where both people wont be as nervous.

WARNING: in this modern age, you might find that women are doing the asking out.  If a woman asks you out, say, “no”, even if , ESPECIALLY if, you really like her. The dating arena is where you get to improve your manliness skills.  It gives you the chance to be courageous and daring, all for the simple reason that you wants to spend time with a woman. Believe me, it will make all the girls swoon. It also gives you the chance to learn how to discern what you want and how to take action because of it.

If a girl asks you out say, “Oh! what a compliment – that’s nice of you.  Actually, I’m going to decline because I prefer to pay women the compliment of asking them out.”  If and only if, you are already interested in her, say: “But I would like your number so that I can give you a call sometime this week.”  DO NOT ASK FOR HER NUMBER UNLESS YOU INTEND TO ASK HER OUT FOR A DATE.

DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR CARD IN THE HOPES THAT SHE WILL RETURN THE FAVOR BY GIVING YOU HER CARD. You should be doing the asking out on the date, so it’s your job to ask for her number and follow it up with a call. Don’t say, “call me sometime.”  It sounds great – and oh so smooth, but it’s a disaster.  It just doesn’t work.  It leaves you wondering when she is going to call and wondering if she’s really interested AND it leaves her wondering IF she should call you and then wondering what the conversation would be about/like.

Don’t ask her out in front of a crowd or in front of friends. It’s too much pressure for her and too embarrassing for you if she says no.  If she’s in a crowd, quietly ask her if you could have her number so you could give her a call tomorrow. You need to let her know WHEN you will be calling.

Step 3: Wait for her answer – accepting it gracefully. Hope for her, “yes”, but be prepared for the possible, “no”.  If she says, “No”, reply with, “Oh O.K.  Thank you.”  and drop the issue.  If she says, “yes”, proceed to Step 4.

Step 4:  Plan the date/ work out the details of the date. *** It’s best to have a place and time in mind BEFORE you ask her out.   Even if the plan changes, she will appreciate the fact that you thought about the question in advance.  It says to her, “This isn’t a hypothetical question.  There really IS coffee and I really DO want to spend time with you.” 😛 But if this was a spur of the moment date-asking-opp – like asking for her number, then just be sure to have come up with ideas on where and when before you call her.

WARNING: Going out for drinks is one of those things that sounds like a good idea, but ends up being a mess instead.  If you want a woman who will be flirty with you – totally in to you – and then wont return your phone calls the next day – OR the reverse – gets all clingy and weird, just be sure to take them out for drinks on the first date.

If you like drama, then feel free.  Otherwise, steer clear of alcohol on the first date.

Step 5: Pay for the date. I don’t care if it’s a slice of pizza, coffee, tea, or a steak dinner: PAY FOR THE DATE.  If you can’t afford it, don’t ask her out for a steak dinner,  ask her to go for a walk, or a Mr. Softee Ice-cream cone – or heck, a bottled water.

This will be a struggle for the women, so do this gentlemanly thing for them… especially if they protest.

Here’s why: The dreaded, “going dutch” absolutely kills any chemistry and any romance. It’s the “safe” way to date – which turns out to actually be a disaster. It’s like the Titanic. Big unsinkable ship. Sounds good, but it ends up sinking. Again – not inherently wrong or sinful, it just doesn’t seem to work in the natural order of how a man and a woman were designed to relate to each other.

NEVER EVER quickly pay for a friendly get together with a woman friend of yours so that THEN it will qualify as a date. We women can see right through that.  We want a man who is courageous enough to ask us on a date, not one who does a bait and switch act on us. Ewww.

Step 6: When it’s time to say good bye: Say, “thank you”. DO NOT: kiss her … or anything beyond that. IF YOU TRULY HAD A GREAT TIME, then say, “I had a great time, thank you for allowing me to take you out.  Have a good night”. DO NOT SAY WHAT YOU DO NOT MEAN.

If you feel a moment of awkwardness because it CLEARLY was NOT a great time for either of you, say, “thank you for allowing me to take you out on a date. It was very generous of you. Have a good night.”

Step 7: Give her (and yourself) time to process the date. Don’t ask her out on the 2nd date in person – ask her over the phone. This means you don’t send her emails, text messages or phone messages that night “just to let her know that you had a really great time.”

Wait till at least the following day to ask her out on the 2nd date.

Here’s why: You want to know, is she saying, yes freely? You want her “yes” to be freely given, not because there was an awkward moment of silence or because she felt pressured into it.  Sometimes women are “nice” – they put on a smile – and say, “yeah I had a great time.” when really they are quite the opposite.  This is a BAD habit.  It’s sort of like when people pass you in a store and say, “hey how are you doing?”, but by the time they finish saying it they are out of sight and actually have no intention of hearing your reply.  VERY rehtorical. Enable her yes to mean yes.

Ask her out on the 2nd date over the phone.  This gives her the option of gracefully bowing out of a second date if she thought the first date was a disaster.  It can be longer than the first date – but it doesn’t have to be. Really the 2nd date is to get a better grasp on IF there is chemistry and IF this is the type of person that you would like to hang out with some more.

What if you don’t want to ask the woman out on a 2nd date? As I stated earlier – 1st dates are notoriously horrendous. So – don’t judge the whole woman on how the first date went. It often takes women until the 2nd date to really relax into the idea of being out on a date with someone new.  So try to remain open.

Step 8: Wait for her answer,  accept it gracefully. See step 3.

Step 9: Go out on the 2nd date. Be polite.  Be generous.  Be courteous.  Open the door for her. Pay for the date.  Don’t talk about ex’s.

Step 10: Say good bye and thank you. See step 6 REMEMBER: DO NOT KISS HER.

Step 10: Wait at least 2 full days. Reflect on the experience. On the third day if she hasn’t contacted you, ask her out again. Give yourself some time to reflect on the dates.

If by this time you have zero chemistry with the woman and zero inclination to get to know her any further, then it’s time to bail out.  Preferably over the phone – though if you have primarily been communicating via email that is O.K. too. TEXTING IS NOT APPROPRIATE. It’s cowardly and too brief. Contact them and say, “Thank you very much for allowing me to take you out on those dates. I wanted to let you know that I’m not interested in going on further dates. Thank you so much”

She may respond with, “Oh, ok – thank you. Good bye.” She may also respond with “why?” Your answer should be: because it’s just not the right match. Or there isn’t any chemistry. Some persons are well suited, and I dare to say, designed for each other…. to be complimentary. It’s O.K. to notice that the fit doesn’t work well.

It’s not ok to just fall off the face of the planet. The best idea is to close the chapter so that she’s not left wondering what is going on.  It’s also the best idea for you so that if you accidentally bump into her in your next job interview or the next big social function it wont be so awkward. 😛

(If you need a third date, then repeat the steps relating to the 2nd date.)

(If she is following the “by the 3rd date” plan, then she will contact you to let you know if she is not interested.)

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“By the 3rd date” – Dating plan for women

April 28, 2010

So if you’ve read my earlier post “How to date (and dance) in 2010”,  you might be wondering HOW it works….

Here’s the game plan for women – “By the 3rd Date”
(guys listen up – because this is what the women will be doing and why)

Step 1: Wait for a man to ask you out on a date. Right now you might be saying, “Ugh! If I wait for a guy to ask me out, I’ll be 80,  knitting a sweater, and living in an apartment with 8 cats before I have a date.”

I know it might FEEL that way, but believe me, it won’t take that long.

Here’s why: There is nothing inherently WRONG or sinful in asking a man out on a date.  BUT if you do ask him out, you rob him of the chance to ask you out.  It’s very simple.  In fact, You TEACH him how to NOT be a leader.

By rushing in and asking him out on the date, you teach him that he doesn’t have to pursue you.  In short, if you ask him out for the first date,  you will probably have to do the asking out for the second date too, and so on and so on.

ALLOWING the man to ask you out on the date, gives him an opportunity to improve his manliness.  It gives him the chance to be a man who knows what he wants and then takes action.  He becomes courageous and daring, all for the simple reason that he wants to spend time with you. (*Swoon*)

It also trains him to ASK for what he wants.  So if you feel called to the vocation of marriage and hope that someday the right man will ASK you “the BIG” question,  then make sure you aren’t teaching him to do the opposite.  You want to find a man who already has the skill-set of “knowing what he wants and ASKing for it”.

***Just some clarification: It’s O.K. to drop signals that you are open to going out on the date.   Don’t stonewall yourself into your room and expect a man to knock down the wall to ask you out.  That being said, be sure you aren’t overstepping your acquaintance/friendship boundaries either.  Be on the lookout for a  future post on boundaries…

Step 2: Be receptive to what God is bringing into your life -most likely there is a lesson in it.

Things in life happen for a reason.  God puts people into our lives for a reason, so be open to what it is He is trying to do. There might be a lesson for us, or their might be a lesson for the man, or both.

Step 3: Say, “Yes.” ***Even if – especially if–  he isn’t really your type.   NEVER say yes if you get a predatory or creepy vibe from him.  Always listen to your safety instincts (because it may be your guardian angel warning you.)

Step 4: Allow the man to plan the date. ***It’s best to start with a coffee/tea date.  Dinner takes too long and going out for drinks just makes you friendlier and more flirty than you normally would be. Coffee or tea or a walk in the park is a nice short chance to get the first date jitters out of your system.  So while it’s good to allow the man to plan the date, it’s ok to head him in this direction, should he suggest a 3 hour trip to the Met and dinner. (Another disaster dating story of mine.) So just say, “Wow dinner is very generous of you, but would you mind if we start with coffee? or tea?

Step 5: Allow the man to pay for the date. I don’t care if it’s a slice of pizza, coffee, tea, or a steak dinner: LET THE MAN PAY.  Gone are the days when we women have to prove that we are strong women by paying for all of our dates……

I use the term “Let” the man pay, because for women this will be a struggle.  She will wonder if she should at least gesture to grab for the wallet.  She will wonder if he wont call her again because she wouldn’t pay for her $2.50 slice of pizza.  She will think, “Oh I want him to know I have a good job and that I can take care of myself.” She will not want him to have any power over her… i.e. he paid for my steak dinner so he’s going to demand a make-out session from me.

So, women: don’t pay for dates! (Not just first dates – all dates!)

Here’s why: The dreaded, “going dutch” absolutely kills any chemistry and any romance. It’s the “safe” way to date – which turns out to actually be a disaster.  It’s like the Titanic.  Big unsinkable ship.  Sounds good, but it ends up sinking.  Again – not inherently wrong or sinful, it just doesn’t seem to work in the natural order of how a man and a woman were designed to relate to each other.

It will be a bit scary at first, but look at it like it’s an extreme sport like cliff diving or jumping out of an airplane.

Step 6:  When it’s time to say good bye:  Say, “thank you”. DO NOT: kiss him … or anything beyond that.  DO NOT say, “Thanks so much – I had a great time – we should do this again sometime.”….

Here’s why: it is the man’s job to pursue you.  The man gets to lead at this point.  If he had a great time, then he can express that.  You allow him to make his statement first – then you can respond nicely – IF YOU TRULY HAD A GREAT TIME.  DO NOT SAY WHAT YOU DO NOT MEAN. If you feel a moment of awkwardness, say, “thank you for taking me out on a date.  It was very generous of you.”

Step 7: You wait for a man to ask you out on the 2nd date. This means you don’t send him emails, text messages or phone messages “just to let him know that you had a really great time.”  What you want to know is: Is this guy interested in ME enough to ask me out on the 2nd date.

The 2nd date can be longer than the first date – but it doesn’t have to be.  Really the 2nd date is to get a better grasp on IF there is chemistry and IF this is the type of person that you would like to hang out with.  Ask yourself, “Are they a good influence on me?” Do I admire them?

Step 8: Say Yes to 2nd date – even if you didn’t see romance sparks flying on the 1st date. As I stated earlier – 1st dates are notoriously horrendous.  So – don’t judge the whole man on how the first date went… unless of course he was a complete jerk.  I once had a guy yell at me at the end of the first date because even though he had paid for a fancy dinner I wasn’t interested in a smooch-fest with him. Needless to say I did not have to “wait” for the 2nd date to say, “no thank you.” So unless the first date was a complete disaster due to rudeness or inappropriateness, you say “yes” to the 2nd date.

There’s a reason behind this too. Saying yes twice will help affirm men that we appreciate their efforts to woo a woman.  I’ll have to ask my guy friends, but I think that, most likely, guys feel as if the first date was out of sheer luck – or perhaps a flippant answer because the woman was caught off guard and didn’t know how to respond.  So it’s important that, as women, we affirm men when they are doing manly things.  (This is why if there is rude non-gentlemanly behavior on the first date, you can skip to the no-thank you part. We don’t reward someone for acting like an ass… and by that I mean a donkey.)

It’s also important that as women, we give ourselves some time to relax into the situation.   So often we rush ourselves.  During the date -or heck, even before a guy asks us out, we are so busy trying to determine if the man could be “the one,” that we completely miss out on the pleasure of enjoying their company. So – take your time to relax into the date so you don’t miss it.

Step 9: Say good bye and thank you. See step 6

Step 10: Reflect on the experience – take action. Give yourself some time to reflect on the dates.  Was he courteous? Was he kind to others? Is he generous? How does he like to spend his time?

If by this time you have zero chemistry with the man and zero inclination to get to know him any further, then you must take action and let him know BEFORE the third date. “BY THE THIRD DATE” you should have a pretty good idea if you are a good fit for each other.  If you need a third date, then repeat the steps relating to the 2nd date.

You MUST take action quickly.  Within 24 hours of the 2nd date (or 3rd if you needed more time), you need to contact the man.   Preferably over the phone – though if you have primarily been communicating via email that is O.K. too.  TEXTING IS NOT APPROPRIATE.  It’s cowardly and too brief.  Contact them and say, “Thank you very much for your generosity in asking me on those dates.  I wanted to let you know that I’m not interested in going on further dates. Thank you so much”

He may respond with, “Oh, ok – thank you.  Good bye.”

He may also respond with “why?”

Your answer should be: because it’s just not the right match.  Or there isn’t any chemistry. We as women want to soften the blow by giving a very long list about WHY we gave our answers.  OR by delivering the dreaded “Well, I just don’t see you that way – I only see you as a friend.” or “You’re a great person, but….”  It is unnecessary and inadvisable to do this sort of thing.  Any sort of list would only belittle the person you are speaking to.  It is almost as if we deny the person’s worth: You aren’t good enough for me – or you aren’t the “perfection” that I’m searching for.

BUT there IS validity in the fact that some persons are well suited, and I dare to say, designed for each other…. to be complimentary.  It’s O.K. to notice that the fit doesn’t work well.  It’s like a puzzle piece that looks like it should fit with the rest, but it doesn’t.  If you jam it in there, it will just warp the piece… there’s a place for it – it just isn’t right there. (But don’t USE the puzzle piece metaphor when giving him the answer…. he’s a person, not a puzzle piece.) Tricky, I know.

So – follow these steps, and others that I will illustrate in future posts….

and you may just find yourself happily married to a man who’s much more well suited for you than you could have ever imagined.

I did. 🙂

How to date (and dance) in 2010

April 26, 2010

How to date in 2010….

You might be saying, “Why are you writing about dating? I thought this was about Theology of the Body  and/or swing?”

I was rather reluctant to write about dating, because it is such an individual experience, and I thought it to be a little off-topic.  But time after time, the subject keeps coming up.  Women want to know how to date (and dance) successfully and men want to know how to get a woman to date (and dance) with them.  On and off the dance floor, women and men relate to each other and how well they relate to each other determines if the relationship flourishes or withers.

After many disastrous relationships and broken hearts, I came up with a new (for me) plan for dating and my inspiration came from the dance floor.

On the dance floor in Lindy Hop Swing, the man is the lead who determines where the partners will go on the dance floor and what dance moves they will do. Don’t worry gals, there’s plenty of room for you to be creative, but your first goal is to allow the man to lead.

So my plan, and my advice to you, is to let the man lead in the dating scene as well.

(At this point you are probably thinking, “Hey I thought she said this was dating in 2010? maybe she said 1910?”.  If you are thinking that, stay with me – it has a happy ending.)

Part 1: Men lead.

Part 2:  Women allow the men to lead.

Sound simple? Yep.  It is.

Practically speaking its a bit trickier.  Because we live in a world that is so accustomed to women taking charge and “being the same” as men, women have been trained to steal this ‘opportunity to lead’ away from men.

Women: this will be a challenge for you.  It will feel completely foreign at first… sort of  like trying to write with your left hand when you are right-handed.  It will appear as if it is easy to do, but it will prove to be trickier than you expected – AND most importantly it will allow you to grow your skill set…. AND make you a stronger woman. Sound good? O.K…..

Now that you have the game plan in place, how do you implement that into daily life? Try the:

“By the 3rd date” Plan (20+ and 30+ somethings…this is for you.)

The “By the 3rd date” plan was something that I was inspired to do after numerous dating disasters.  I was 30+.  I had read a few books on dating but they were either suggesting that  I live a “Sex in the City” life (ACK!) in order to secure a mate OR they were written for 13 year-olds and suggested having a chaperone at every date.  I had tried blind dates, online dating (popular sites and Catholic sites), being out and about at numerous social functions, and of course just meeting someone by chance.  All of them had proved to be what I affectionately call “disasters”.  They were learning experiences – and what I learned is that people don’t know how to date.

In short, with “By the 3rd date” you go out on two dates,  IF by the 2nd date there is ZERO – I mean negative amounts of-  chemistry, then don’t go out on the 3rd date and be open to what God brings you next.

The first date is always a disaster because both people are nervous.

The second date you get to know the person a little more.

God created hormones that we can detect just by standing near someone.  Those hormones (pheromones) are indicators of when we are fertile and when we are not, AND who we will be compatible with and who we will not.

If by the 3rd date, there is no chemistry – no indicator – no inspiration to proceed, then it’s time to listen to that signal and move on.

By the way – this is similar to what happens on the dance floor. In Lindy Hop Swing, it is common to lead some dance moves in patterns of three.   If however, the man leads a dance move and the first time the woman doesn’t follow the lead and fumbles, he leads it again to give it a second try.  IF the second attempt is a complete disaster too – he discerns that it’s not a good fit, and leads a different move.

There’s more to this, but so as to not make this post too long, I’m going to break it up: “By the 3rd date”- for Women and “By the 3rd date” for Men.